drop.

I told my friend to write me a short story, the only prompt being that the events took place within an hour or less. She posted hers on her blog. Here’s mine in return.

drop.

In the same second of the same hour of the same day, everyone dropped what they were holding. It was a second in time, no more, just long enough for whatever anyone was carrying to go crashing to the ground. Only for those lucky enough to be alone in their houses with nothing in their hands did the moment go by unnoticed. For everyone else, it was remarkable. Thousands of people in restaurants dropped their forks, halfway to their mouths, as the trays of food from thousands of waiters dropped onto their heads. Money changing hands fell onto counters, ice cream cones fell into laps, expensive china shattered on floors, touchdown runs turned into fumble scrambles, bullets missed their marks, and marching bands marched over their fallen instruments.

In some cases, it was hardly noticed. A writer dropped her pen and picked it back up. The only customer in the bookshop apologized and put the book back on the shelf, the sound still resonating. In some places it was amusing. A silent classroom burst into laughter as all of their pencils hit the floor at the same time. Co-workers on their smoke break looked at each other in puzzlement when they all dropped their cigarettes. People passing the salt apologized sheepishly. In other cases, the effect was more pronounced. A dog on a leash held by nothing ran away. Bowling balls fell down on to the holder’s feet, or backwards as bowlers were mid swing. A dinner party dropped their expensive champagne glasses full of expensive champagne mid-toast. A best man at his best friend’s wedding dropped the wedding rings. Listeners at a symphony, leaning forward in suspense as the crescendo was building were jarred from their meditative states as all of the instruments fell to the ground with a dissonant crash. A woman walking with her baby to the car dropped the car seat. An old man dropped his cane only to find he could stand without it. A boy dropped the last puzzle piece to his puzzle. Movers carrying a heavy couch dropped it on the new hardwoods. Two lovers dropped what they were holding and bent to pick up that of the other.

The second passed in the blink of an eye, where before the blink everything was one way and after the blink everything was another, the event taking place behind closed eyelids. After the second passed, everything went back to the way it was before, except, of course, for the unusually high number of items laying on the ground.

I’m sorry, but God did not buy you a Lexus.

Today I come home from a very busy 9.5 hour shift, working 3pm to 12:30am without a break, and all I can think is how this is absolutely what I want to be doing right now. And how lovely is that. The purchase of a *ahem* quite uh, high quality guitar (that means expensive), along with a car repair (expensive), and some other necessary things (expensive), left my bank account drained in the most discouraging of ways. 2 weeks of very successful monetary lock down (eating out only 1 time each week, and no extra purchases), long hours at both jobs, 2 pet sitting jobs, and 2 babysitting jobs (thanks McVeys!) finds my bank account refilling slowly but surely. The horizon looks promising–Little Car’s check engine light is on again, but feel like I’m getting in the groove of really watching my spending, and feeling really motivated to, and the pet sitting is coming pretty steadily.

Music is going well on the artistic end. I’ve been writing a lot of late–but it always comes like an ebb and flow. I’ve been called prolific twice in the past 2 months by 2 different people, which is an encouraging thing to hear. I don’t necessarily think of myself as a prolific songwriter, I’ve never really thought about it I guess. The whole music thing has always been sort of mysterious. It’s really hard to judge these sorts of things about yourself because there’s no real standard to measure yourself against, and it’s been interesting unraveling the picture bit by bit. Like, when I was little I thought that everyone wrote songs. It’s like thinking thoughts. It BLEW my MIND when as teenagers my brother told me he had never written a song. And I’m sure other people experience that with other things–the way you perceive the world is “normal”. Normal is completely subjective.

Anyhoo, on the technical end, I keep putting off calling this new recording contact I have. The whole picking a place to do my recording is very daunting. Because I want something really good. And when you get into the music circle, everybody knows somebody who has this friend who does recording. Everybody. I swear to God. And I hate to be a snob (but I’m totally a snob), but I honestly want something that looks legit. Like hardwood floors and grand pianos and leather couches and lava lamps and a huge mixing board. Things that studios that charge you way more than your friend’s buddy with the studio in his basement have. Things that these studios put there to make you feel like they’re legit. I want those things. They comfort me. Like, look! Obviously enough people use us or how else would we afford these legit looking things? We must be high-quality! And, yes, these places cost way more. Like tons more. But honestly that comforts me too. But, a coworker gave me a contact number for this musician who is in a pretty popular band around the NCs, and it might be a good deal. Plus, once I saw this band live before he told me about him, and was totally BLOWN AWAY by one musician in it, and it turns out that it’s this dude. But I’m putting off contacting him. Because I deal with overwhelm by avoidance. *Pause in blog writing to email music man*.

So, on my way to work the other day, I was driving behind a Lexus with a personalized licence plate that said, “PD4BYGOD”. And unless I’m completely missing something, I was actually very pissed off. Not to be all judgemental and all that, but there are starving children in Africa and you think God bought you a Lexus? Come again mother fucker. And even if dude man considers every dollar a gift from God, which I totally respect, it’s so completely asinine and pompus to claim that God bought you a Lexus. I cannot even think of a scenario where I would be ok with someone putting that licence plate on a Lexus. If it were a beat up old thing, then it would be totally cute and heartwarming. But, for. serious. God did not buy you a Lexus. Any other takes on this? Am I being completely judgemental and nearsighted?

Accumulated thoughts in an order not particular

One: There’s a man standing in our kitchen talking to my parents about car debt–how an awesome car is awesome except when the housing market is in the tank and the economic situation is rough and uncertain.

Two: It was 3 in the morning the other night and I was on the couch still in my Gladnaggies uniform and boots finishing an application for a music festival. And I thought: This is all I have to do. No school. No debt to work off. Just saving money and singing songs. And those things are easy and good and things I want to do.

Three: A co-worker is in a similar place where she is saving her money so she can take a road trip and move to a cool city. We talk about our trips a lot, and the other day she was saying how she couldn’t wait and wishes she were there already. No no, I said. This is it. Enjoy the process. You have to enjoy the process. And I keep thinking about it and I’m thinking that it’s really much more important than that. Because here’s what we’ve got: if you aren’t enjoying where you are now, even if it’s a period of waiting or hard work or both, and you’re thinking that if you can just get to that point/move to that place/make that amount of money then your life will be totally more enjoyable then, my friends, you have “greener grass” syndrome. And I hear that never goes away. Because we are always and forever in periods of waiting, hard work, or both.

So here’s what I’m thinking this week. One: I love my little scratched up car with a sun-roof that I have to talk into closing, AC that doesn’t quite get to that point that most people call “cold”, and speakers that only work on the right side– a car I own and bought with cash. Two: I am happy with my status of college drop-out Animal Keeper/Custard Flinger/Money Saver Extraordinaire. No sorry, I’m thrilled with it. Three: I love the process, the anticipation, the early-morning commute and the late-night paperwork because it is all going towards something worthwhile. Not that I think my life will be better once I have enough money to embark on my trip, because I have good things now that I won’t have out on my own: the comfort of seeing my family and friends all the time, a warm bed that is mine, consistency, and a warm cocoon of constant affirmation. Seeking my for-tune will be scary and risky. And totally kick ass.

So enjoy the process because This Is It. Life is a process, and that’s all it is. There is no magic point of arrival. Walk the half mile to this:

Beach Camp 08/08

But you still have to walk the half mile in the hot sun back. Process.

Where I’ll Be When I’m Not Here

Where I’ll be when I’m not here this month.

Where I was last month when I wasn’t here.

Here’s why.

This Means Something

I have a perfect Sunday morning. I’m a few weeks into consistency, and I’m well on my way to habitizing it (I just made up that word. Spread the wealth.).

I wake up early and meet with my friends for breakfast and updates on our week/life/goals/struggles. I head off to church with my peoples, less than 5 minutes away. Straight away after church I drive to the gym–right down the street–for a blessedly, blessedly long, leisurely workout with no time box. Then after a shower and a change, I drive right up the street to my favorite health food store, Harmony Farms. It’s a deliciously quaint place. Locally owned and operated, on top of selling a ton of vitamins and supplements, it also sells a fine array of hippie groceries, including organic, local produce. It’s that type of store that punches you in the face with that strong, healthy herb smell when you walk in. It’s a check your expiration dates, not many people shop here type of store.

It might have been those extra sit-ups I did, but today I was in a particuarly chipper mood when I went to HF. Rather than go straight for my usual of an after workout banana and 5 high-protein faux jerky snacks for the week, I did a little perusing. I picked up a grapefruit for some fresh-squeezed juice for Tuesday morning (which is my Monday morning), a bag of vegan granola with chocolate and peanut butter, an expensive vegan burrito with roasted veggies and white tuscan beans for dinner tonight, an allergen-free, vegan chocolate bar with rice crisps (!), an on sale mango smoothie, and my usual 5 faux jerky snacks. Looking through the isles, I felt again that feeling that I haven’t had for awhile, that I haven’t pursued.

It was almost a year ago that I decided to do this whole vegan thing for real. I remember going to the health food store, starving hungry, buying a mango smoothie and a bag full of veggies, and driving home with an inflated chest, full of resolution. This feeling of walking down the rows of a health food store and seeing tasty thing after tasty thing that proudly boast “vegan” on the package, or finding product after product of things I haven’t tried that I can eat is one of my favorite feelings, odd as that may be. It fills my chest with resolution, reminds me of what this all means. This is something I think is important, and look, these people think it’s important too, and they are making products for all of us so we can all help each other do what we think is important. It’s that feeling of solidarity. I am not alone, there is a goal, a purpose, a reason, and other people feel this too, and this is what they have built and done and accomplished to prove it. Here is this health food store, here is this organic vegan burrito, here is this organically grown grapefruit. And it’s not necessarily a big thing, or the most important decision one can make, but it’s something, it means something. Eat like you believe it.

So I feel this whatever it is: resolution, solidarity, in my chest now and think about how often I used to go out of my way to get it and how I’ve fallen out of that. The joy I get from finding delicious vegan foods is essential to the health of my veganism, something I can’t lose.

Then I drive home with the window down, going out of my way to take the scienic wooded road home, driving in silence, writing a blog post in my head.

Year of a Fierce Heart

A little over a year ago, hyped up on caffeine, I sat in my living room late late at night shivering slightly writing a blog post about how I was done settling. How I knew what I wanted but was tired of being scared of it because it’s different than mainstream. And at the time that was a really big thing–really big and really scary. Now a year later I’m looking back on that post and the things it says still resonate with me, and it’s interesting to see how time passing makes a different, scary decision seem completely normal. Like, how could I have ever thought to settle? How could I have ever thought that I didn’t want to pursue my music career? But it makes sense. Sometimes it is necessary to go through struggle to find the things that are true about yourself. Sometimes you can only know what is when you know what is not.

It’s exceedingly encouraging to see how my plan is progressing somewhat divinely. In my very first post I proposed a plan. The Year One goal was to finish up with school. While that did not go exactly as planned (i.e. getting a degree), I am done with school. So that’s checked off. The Year Two goal was: get a full time job, preferably at the Museum. This is where things get interesting. A month ago, it was looking very unlikely that a position would be open in my department any time soon, so I went and got my job back at Goodberry’s. Then, a week later, and exactly one year and two days after I wrote my blog post containing the words, “Year Two: Get a full time job”, I was told that a full time position was opening immediately in my department, starting at the beginning of the month. It’s a perfect position–it’s an addition, so none of my coworkers are leaving, it has full benefits, and I was just about to buy my own health insurance that week, and it’s probably a two year temporary position. My dad and I worked out the budget, and with this job and additional work at Goodberry’s, I’ll have all my trip money saved up in 2 years.

Oh yeah, and that’s the only thing. It’s more like three years of a fierce heart, because I decided that I wanted to travel longer and to more places.

Things are looking good. More to come soon on other thoughts about Future.

Right Where I Left It

I’ve returned to my travel plans with a renewed vigor. This is encouraging to me, because I had put them aside to figure my other stuff out, and here I am, some 8 months after my original statement of breaking free, kind of exactly where I was then. It makes me feel confident that this is what I truly want, because I have been allowing myself to be open, and I still am desiring the same things.

Oh yeah, but my plans have kind of grown a little bit. Backpacking through Europe has morphed into a Round the World trip. I figured that I have all of these places that I want to go to, so I might as well do it. I’ve been reading a lot of online travel blogs about people who do RTW trips, and they are very cool. I found myself thinking, “I wish I could do that!” and then, “Well, why the hell not?” So I’m going to do it.

I’m finding that I’m in this mental box, and I’m the only one keeping myself in it. It is interesting to see how small it really is as I open myself up to more and more possibilities, as I allow myself to have the courage to do what I really want to do. It will be interesting to see how small this box really is, as I continue to explore my future, and travel to different places and cultures.

So here’s what the plan looks like now:
1) Save for a year to 2 years. I need, at bare minimum, $10,000. Right now I already have a savings plan in action. It goes like this: After tithe and gas necessities, 90% of my museum money goes to savings. Also, I’m tracking every cent I spend to see where I can cut out some spendings.

2) Travel the world. This will take as long as it takes. Maybe about a year.

I’ll post more soon about the research I’ve been doing. I have a list of places that I really want to see before I die. This is just a preliminary list. I’m reading about a lot of different places to try and be as educated as I can about what is out there.

Places I have to see:
Greece
Ireland (again)
New Zealand
Australia
Hawaii
France
Iceland
Scotland
Norway/Denmark/Finland
Germany
Spain
Thailand
Fiji
Peninsular Malaysia
Nova Scotia, Canada

Gone and Away

I’ve been thinking a lot today about adventure and options and money and people who like other people’s music and people who make music that other people like and such and such and such. I’ve been thinking about all this stuff for a long time. About how I pretty much have wide open options, how I’m not tied down to one particular place for any reason. I could save up hardcore for a year or so and pack up and travel until I need to get a job again somewhere, anywhere. I could travel around and play music and collect people who like my music all around the world. You know, be a nomad. And I can’t really think of any reason to not do that. I love to travel, I love new places and experiences, I’m good at making new friends, staying in touch with old friends, I’m not afraid of unsavory weather/living conditions, I have a pretty good shot at getting an animal keeping job anywhere I go, since I have a ton of experience and time doing it.

Stay tuned as I muse upon this further.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go

Today kind of felt like the first day of the rest of my life. It was seriously not that dramatic, but I definitely had that thought at different points throughout my day.

Yesterday was my last day of school. Yesterday was my last day of college.

Forever.

To clarify, I am absolutely not ruling out going back to school if that’s what my heart’s desire is later on in my life, as I’ve kind of decided to do whatever I want to do. But as I’m seeing my future, as it is foreseeable, that’s not the path I want to take, and yesterday was my last day of college.

I’ve met a handful of people recently who have either just graduated or are about to graduate college. They are either: A) Really excited about going on to the next level of school, or job or whatever it is that they have lined up, B) Scared shitless because there is no next level and they don’t know what they want to do and they don’t have anything lined up, or C) Going to the next level of school or job they don’t want because they are scared shitless because they don’t know what else to do. And I’ve also met some people who are nearing the point of graduation, and it’s almost like this daunting, impending death sentence. Like: Ok, welcome to the real world.

I kind of jumped right in to my real world. I am now in the real world.

Hey real world, glad to be here.

I feel…pacific. I feel correct. I feel a steady burn of excitement. I feel calm. I feel ready. I feel a great freedom. I feel a great responsibility. I feel alive. I feel real.

I went to work. I stayed a half-hour past the point where I get paid to talk to my co-workers. I drove home with the windows down and made sandwiches I invented for my family and ate lunch with them. I took a nap. I practiced music for my show on Thursday with my brother. I went to a coffee house and updated my mailing list, emailed some people I met yesterday, and read a book while I waited to meet my friends. I had coffee with my friends, and went to Kinkos to make more inserts for my cds. I came home and invented a new salad dressing, and started blogging. And here we are, and it’s already tomorrow.

I feel like nothing big needs to happen. Like anything that happens at this point is fine. Like I’ve already gotten the hard part out of the way. The big, scary stuff like deciding to try and be everything that I want to be, everything that I want out of myself, even if it’s not the norm, or what others expect out of me. And it seems ridiculous that it’s hard, but it was, and it took a lot of agony and I doubted myself a lot, and I’m sure I will a lot in the future, but at this moment right now, strung out on caffeine, looking at this world that is big and wide and feeling like I could end up anywhere in it and be happy, everything feels in place, and I am content and happy with my decision.

“Will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed. (98 3/4% guaranteed.)”–Dr. Seuss (From Oh, The Places You’ll Go)

Basking in the Glow…of my Check Engine Light

Little Car, you know I love you, but this is getting old. I mean, seriously? For the third time since June 2006, not even mentioning the complete change of tires and brake pads! I know you’re 7 years old, but this is getting to be very ridiculous.

I want to sell Little Car and drive a motor scooter. I’m going to pray about it and see if God has any better ideas. Good heavens.